The benefits of pain

Gym.

It's been a full week and I've hit the gym three times. Before this week it was 190 days since the last time I hit the gym. The reason? My knee of course. I couldn't run anymore without the muscle in my knee snapping and I was back from Vietnam with a lack of spending money, so I suspended my account for six months. I was allowed to do it as I filled my one year commitment so they were able to grant that to me. Well my six months ended in early August and I was told back in March I would have to come in and decide if I want another membership or to end my account.

Well August came and I figured my account would be deactivated. Then they started taking money out of my bank. I went in to confront them and it turns out my account was active again in early August. The important thing is I should be going to the gym, if not for my running then for working on the rest of my body.

What's more important is that before with two days off I didn't have the time or energy to work out. Working 5-11pm Mon to Fri washing dishes and getting a ride home I had energy to work out. Working a full eight hours, plus an hour on the bus to work and back eats up that time. Well we needed to cut hours at work, and although it sounded odd, I volunteered to be cut a shift a week. I've reached the point where I'm financially stable and my goal is to be fit for the Army, not serve doctors and nurses until I'm sixty so working out is more important in my life. I have time to do that and other things beyond one day of laundry and home time, and another day of running around town as if my hair was on fire.

At first it was weird coming in, as things were unfamiliar, but that quickly faded. The first day I worked out for two and a half hours, just to get back into the swing of things. You know, hit all the old machines, test my max. strength on each machine, targeting each muscle group and feeling it break under heavy weights. I've taken it more easy since, but I've been reminded why I love the gym so much.

It goes beyond the release of endorphins, serotonin and other chemicals that make you happy. It's the fact that I'm making myself stronger, faster and better. There's something about breaking your muscle, going through the soreness and discomfort but knowing that later that muscle will be rebuilt bigger makes it worth it. It's almost as if I get some sort of pleasure out of the pain as I know it's better in the long term. Emo kids shouldn't cut themselves, they should hit a treadmill or free weights. The gym is addicting, and if I go at the same time, I see all the same people out. Also the fact that if you miss a week, what you did on your last workout you have to do it all over again.

If you want to see progress, you have to keep at it, simple as that.

I think the best thing about it comes after working out in the locker room ;) (and I do mean that wink, wait for it...) Going into the locker room, all muscles sore and bloated, tired and ready to go home I open my locker, grab a clean shirt and take my sweaty one off. Then I stop. I look into the mirror and pause. What do I see? Simply the body I'm working hard to get. All that swelling and inflammation makes those muscle groups puff up so it's like a sneak-peak of what your body will look like in the future. And if you think I looked good this summer, give me a few weeks and months. Just one more reason why I'm looking forward to next spring ;)

One last thing I forgot which is great about the gym... attractive women, tight fitting clothes and free classes such as yoga. Put everything together and you have a wonderful thing to keep me busy in my spare time, while making myself better for the future. Nuff said.

Sorting my Subconscious

Alright, like Roger's persona of Colton Lansington on American Dad I'm off my meds. Unlike Colton I don't have bipolar, it's just my jaw meds ran out. Doesn't sound like a big deal, but considering I worked all week 9-5 and my doctor's office runs 9-5 it creates issues. So I've been without meds. My jaw hasn't been noticeably bothered by it, but since my meds knock me out like a sack of door knobs being off it normally it would take me a few hours to sleep, but interestingly enough, I've been getting to sleep.

What's even more interesting is that I've been sleeping, but lightly. Light enough to be a sleep but awake enough for my brain to be able to control my dreams, to a certain extent. My subconscious was  in the driver's seat, and I was awake enough to remember it all. I've never had an experience like that before, and now I'm going to share it with you...

My first night, not knowing what to expect I went to sleep.

It was a hot, overcast day on patrol, about two klick North of Vimang Nit, about 20km WNW of LZ English, August 1969. We were sent on an Eagle Flight, a spotting of enemy activity and our platoon was on as a quick reaction force into the area. D troop, 3rd Squadron, 17th Cavalry (Air) was flying in the area checking out reports on possible mortar positions. Our squad was tasked with patrolling the north side of the hill and if we found any mortar positions we were to call in the AH-1 Cobra gunships of D/3/17th Cav. We were in small squads to keep quiet, we weren't going to engage, just sneak and peak. I was leading the squad with Pfc Kirshin on the radio, Pvt Drouillard with the M79 grenade launcher, to fire yellow smoke grenades to mark the positions for the gunships, Pvt Stevens with his M60 in case we do get into some shit and we had a guest of sorts :) We had a nurse on patrol!

Now before you get me started, this is a dream and it doesn't have to make sense, so yes we had a nurse on patrol in enemy territory! Alright visualize. We're on a ridge, not in heavy jungle as we're in the coastal plains. A cool breeze comes off the pacific and there's sporadic cover to cover and tree line, other than that, it's pretty open with the occasional hill and valley, like the hill we're on. Luckily for us a 101st Airborne unit in the area was spotted in the next valley, so the gut wrenching pop of the 61mm mortar round hitting the firing pin on the mortar tube lead us to their position. We spot it and a a few squads of NVA and Drouillard rips with the 40mm smoke grenades and Kirshin calls in the Cobras. With aerial support of OH-6 Loaches we check out the remains of the position. We find a wounded NVA and after searching found some intel on other possible mortar positions in the area. So it's on to the next one, we hump it out and lather, rinse and repeat.

It's getting dark so we radio in for a flight back to a local base. Lucky for us we caught a supply bird back from a local drop off headed for LZ English. You know what that means :) Get to go back to base, hit up the local bars, sleep in a cot, maybe catch a flick with the 61st Assault Helicopter Company as they always had the best movies.

Alright, so that was just the first night. The second night seemed like our group was at Fort George in the admin building, a place where re-enactors can take off kit, hit up the vending machine, relax a bit, as well as offices for paper work, computers, all the runnings of a museum. I wasn't paying too much attention at first, since it was the same scene as Fort George and most of the time I was just in there to use the bathroom. Then I realized something... Fort George uniforms were mostly red coats, with white kit and black hats. These people were in OD green uniforms, jungle boots and wearing Mitchell pattern camo helmets or boonies. Could it be? I looked in one room and saw wall to wall M16's, a few M14's, M79 grenade launchers, M60's, pistols and a few other goodies. I had to admit an unavoidable grin.

I moved towards the door and mentally preparing myself for it... I was waiting to see gunships, jets flying over, cargo planes dropping off crates but my mighty brain wouldn't be that foolish. I did see M151 MUTT jeeps, an M274 Mechanical MULE cart, 2 1/2 Ton cargo truck, a few M113's in the background and a battery of six M102's, 105mm airmobile artillery guns. If you can't tell by now, the group had a functioning Vietnam War Era living history museum. Not one on a runaway budget, but something manageable but still able to have some fun with. Now my dream wasn't me firing off 105mm blank charges, or getting the M113's together to put out a base of machine gun fire, but it was mostly behind the scenes stuff, running the museum, seeing everyone in the group in their own special role and interacting with the public, which inside was just as fulfilling.

Now I can't go back to 1969, but in my time I'd like to bring it to the present, as you all know, and it's one of my dreams that I could turn into a reality. We're working on it ;)

Other than that, nothing majorly awesome or news worthy really. I did have some trouble trying to figure out if I got text messages or emails in real life, or just envisioned them in my lucid dreams which has been fun “Did Josh text me or did I just dream that, gotta check facebook, msn and phone”. Overall it was a cool experience but by now I am looking forward to getting my meds back in me and getting a solid sleep. Mind you I have plenty of other things to do so I'm still burning the candle at both ends.

Death

So I almost died yesterday morning. I woke up, placed my feet on my crisp carpet and went up stairs to make my breakfast. I made my tea and took my multi vitamin (yea I'm that healthy) and it happened.

Why must multi vitamins be so big? Sure they're full of goodness but really, do they have to be the size of horse pills? So I chopped it in half and took it. Somehow they took their former shape, went down width-wise and what was happening registered in my brain. I let out what would have been my dying words, gulped down my tea and sent the horse pills down a river of tea leaves and sugar.

Coming close to something that could have killed you I think should put things into prospective in your life. Shortly afterwards I thought of what my last words would have been, who would have found me dead on the kitchen floor, who I last talked to, and who I'd miss the most in my life.

I had this talk with a good friend a few weeks back. I know death is coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm okay with that as its a natural part of life. This morning just wasn't my time. If it was, I wouldn't be writing this now, would I? The only thing you can do is try to be ready for it. Clear the air, let those I love know who they are and hope it's not too painful.

Currently my heart is heavy as I have so much to give and say to someone out there, and I'm not mad that I could have died this morning as when it comes I'm honestly ready for it. What I am upset about is almost being denied the ability to give and say what is inside me to that someone. I have faith in that they know how i feel but sometimes faith isn't enough.

I'll spare you the dribble-poop and let them know in more detail. You reading this, let your people know as today might be your last chance to do so.

Sadly with day to day life, in the next week I'll slowly forget this lesson until my next encounter which hopefully never will come, but realistically could at any second. Be ready for it. Till then let those you love know it, keep your head up, ass down and powder dry.

Welcome to the Apollo...

I feel the need to blog. I'm not sure of the point or message I want to get out, but I feel something stirring in me and it's activating my fingers to type, while my brain is on auto pilot and a commercial for Joe's new fashion line is on Teletoon.

Alright some thought. I saw Apollo 18 tonight after work. What made me want to see it is that when technology fails me I let out... "They put a man on the moon forty years ago, but they can't make a <BLANK> that can do <BLANK>". I've wondered why after the US landed on the moon and brought some rocks back why Russia stopped. On top of that, why China, India and Japan still can't get to the moon. Japan especially as they are considered the most high tech country in the world. Did countries just give up? Did they think since the US did it, there's no point and should focus somewhere else or did they try everything and found it impossible?

I'd like to see the US go up one more time, just to prove to the rest of the world it still can be done. Mind you it won't happen anytime soon thanks to the economy.

I like to think that you view me as someone that's not insane and has a decent head on his shoulders. That said these observations raise questions in the back of my mind. I also wonder how the US could afford the war in Vietnam, the war against Russia and waiting for tanks to roll into Eastern Europe in World War III, take care of the Continental US at home and spend so much to go from a mach 3 flying aircraft to space travel to landing on another planet with a live crew, take samples and pictures, then take said live crew back off the moon and lands back on earth safe and sound MORE than once!

It boggles my mind and I think it would be easier to fake the whole damn thing to spook the Russians and call it a day. The movie "Capricorn One" has the same concept except OJ Simpson was faking landing on Mars. The reason was NASA couldn't afford one more screw up or else it would be shut down. Makes sense to me. I won't spoil the rest for you.

So why haven't we gone back to the moon? Apollo 18 shows their thoughts and I really enjoyed how it was shot, documentary style and what you see is footage from their cameras in and around the ship. The good thing is they had plenty of close shots making you feel how small the small ship is. You feel like you are in the ship with them. I think they did a good job in the style of scary moments, the kind where you know something is going to happen, the only question is when, like right.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

What I did like was a scene where Anderson is in a crater, and he can't see anything as it's below the sun's light. He has to rely on the flash of his camera and flash by flash you see what he eventually sees. What I feel it fails to do is keeps fear in the movie. There are scary scenes don't get me wrong but to me I hold no fear of the creature. It's on the moon, if I even believe it's real haha. Also since there were limited trips to the moon (Anderson mentions they are only of twelve men to step on the moon), how is the danger still apparent?

Secretly deep inside I always hope that every movie where you never see the space alien that it turns out to be a new chapter in the Alien movie series which set the pace of every alien movie ever made in my opinion.

So the point in all this? Does there need to be? Really the movie opened a part of my brain that hasn't been visited in a while, and fed on my imagination and my quest for answers that I'll never likely know in my lifetime. Only time can tell...






PS: I love blogging and writing, it's an outlet I need to take advantage of. That said I somewhat regret about opening my brain and letting everyone online have access to it. Nothing has come back to bite me in the ass, but realizing it I'm comfortable with myself, but not comfortable with everyone knowing what I think and feel, especially at a time in which I wasn't sure what I thought or felt. I'm glad to be able to use this, but I think in the future I'll reserve it for pieces like this where I'm not spilling out feelings and emotions. Anyways feels and emotions should be suppressed and hated right? You know I'm right :P