Old ladies, AK-47's and Coconuts

Now that I have your attention and confusion...


I got four days and a wake up. I'll be happy to step on that freedom bird and have it take me to the land of the big PX. The PX was the Post Exchange, more or less a department store on base and used to describe home. My time in Vietnam is short, making me a short-timer. My time is so short I could parachute off a dime. I'm so short I gotta reach up to tie my boots. I'm so short I wear Asian condoms as a raincoat. Alright, I'm not that short muahaha. I'll be happy to go home and see my family and friends, to be back to Western food that's more than hamburgers, to get back to the things I took for granted, like Subway, the gym, signs that I can understand, a visible police presence and above all Canadian women haha :)

There are things that I'll miss though, from bartering, to knowing how much a taxi ride will cost before you enter and the fact that there's a lot of items here that we have at home, but at a fraction of the price. It lets you know how much we're getting jabbed at home, but then again we're getting paid $10/hour to push buttons compared to $.10/hour. I'll miss having buying power haha. I'm going to miss crossing the street here. I can cross six lanes of busy traffic here in seconds. I'll miss motos going around you while at home cars go though you and at three times the speed.

Anyways this isn't my goodbye note, but I'm starting to think of things I'll miss. The streets seem so alive here. I feel the culture is more friendly here, that at home on a crowded street during rush hour you are surrounded by people, but you are alone. It sounds weird but when I got here I was so happy to see white people. I don't know the language they speak, or their name or anything about them, but I know they're from the West and we probably have things in common. Suddenly I wasn't so alone. If I had to I could talk to some fellow white person or Westerner. We'd be walking down a street, metres away from each other but I felt more at ease because if something happened, I could yell for help and I knew someone would understand me and increase my odds of help. I don't think I can properly describe it, but I generally feel people aren't as warm at home. Sure I'm surrounded by people that can understand me, but I think if I needed help at home, that compared to Vietnam, I would less likely get that help where as if people could understand me in Vietnam, there'd be more people willing to help someone out. I just view the Western world more dog-eat-dog, fend for yourself, sink or swim than Vietnam. Maybe decades of war pulled the population closer together? That it's been so long ago that Canadians had to grip hands and suffer together that now there's next to no suffering we've lost the importance of standing together and helping each other out. We see glimpses of it at home, when the Red River floods a community fills sandbags together for hours. Wildfires in British Columbia band communities together and welcome displaced strangers into your home. On 9/11, Dartmouth airport took a huge amount of US Air Traffic and found places for people to stay and sleep until the situation was sorted out. As odd as it may seem, maybe decades of war the Vietnamese people, or those that remember their country at war, taking in a stranger to your home, sharing your dinner with them and giving them a place to sleep was common place, that it was a learned behaviour and taught to the next generation. Overtime it might fade, as it has in Canada, but in the moment here it's good. Maybe Canada will get it back when China, Russia or the US invade to rape us of our vast resources and lack of defence to protect it. Maybe positives can come from negatives such as war.

Alright, down to the details you've been waiting for! I had fruit salad today! I had my coffee, had my spider stopper boots on as I was going to Dan Sinh Market. I didn't find any nylon ammo pouches for Chris but the back up plan was that Moore's have them for $5 more than I could have gotten them for, and maybe in better shape (ex: not sitting in the sun and rain for forty years). I did pick up '60s Canon Canonet QL19E Camera for the Lt (Lieutenant) of our group Sean, which Lt is his nickname, much like Sam and a few others call me "Doc". It looks good and I was told it's still working, which I can't test or prove but the guy selling it is a good guy. I bought like 70% of all the Army stuff our group got from his sister and if his sister tried to rip me off he told me to let him know. He just had a side booth of radios, cameras and other old odds and ends. Plus if it came down to it I could beat the hell out of him, but for $18 even if it doesn't work it's still a nice shiny good condition forty year old piece of kit. I did one last lap of the market and I left it for good. Everybody there knows me there as I've been hunting there for so long, and found so many good deals.

I plan to bring everything over to Phuoc's military shop and get everything ready to ship tomorrow. We take everything out, do a manifest of all the shit in the box haha, seal it up, weigh it, his son who has the shipping business calls in the box's stats and gives me a price, to which I pay, get a tracking number, crunch the numbers of who owes me how much for shipping according to weight. Kirshin bought a zippo, so he won't be paying the shipping cost for Brit's steel helmet and webgear. I'll email everyone their costs and send them the tracking number so if they wish they can see it cross the world. I think last time I talked to his son he mentioned there was now a two week method of shipping instead of the four day we did last time and if it saves us all money I'm all for it, unless you guys want to have a pre or post Christmas meeting, or we could do something in Jan, get together for the winter moral meeting and just hang out while I deliver everyones stuff.

Back to my day! Woo-hoo! Here we go! After the market I came back to my room, loaded up all the maps and some small stuff (pens, paper, markers, a few books, a little Buddha, compass and three zippos) and hit the post office. I also wanted to hit Ben Thanh Market to see if they had an Adidas shirt I liked, which I saw at the Russian Market. I dropped in, starting looking and then the flood of hands and people asking me to buy began haha. I'm a lot quicker now, one women grabbed and me and I quickly snapped for her to let go and she did. I would have kept walking but she had some Adidas stuff, just not what I'm looking for. I know what I want, and it was an Orange t-shirt with black stripes and made of that new breathable material. At home it's ridiculously priced but here, as it's made in Singapore it's a lot more affordable. I found someone else and after going through the same song and dance "what you look for? what colour? what size? how many? this what you want? what about this? etc" after sending her husband to bring what I call bale of shirts (it's like 30 individually wrapped t-shirts in every colour bundled together, like a hay bale) found what I wanted.

I regret not video taping it, but it was a classic bartering event. I knew this t-shirt was at the Russian Market and the seller said he'd give it to me for $7CDN before bartering down meaning it costs even less! She told me she could give it to me for $18CDN as I'm the first customer of the day and I bring her good luck, or what she hoped for good money. If I know I can get it somewhere for a certain price, that's my limit. My tactic is "I can buy this exact item over "here" for $7CDN, so if you can't match that, I'm going there" The price went from $18 to $15, to $12, $10, $8 and me holding my ground at $7. She kept asking how much I was wanting, I kept telling her $7 hahaha. At $8 she said it was her final. I took one step backwards and she said $7CDN. Victorious.  Honestly now that I think about it, I should probably get another at that price haha, my Day 1/Day 2 shirts for the gym. I just don't know what colour as I got my favourite, orange and the black stripes remind me of the old NHL All-star Jerseys from the '80s I grew up watching and yea I'm sure you naturally thought of a Tiger, which was my second though as that's how my brain works, hockey, then African animals. Makes sense though since I'll look as majestic and run almost as fast. I'm becoming more funny too, trying to have more fun with people before I go. Some lady asked if I wanted to buy some Armani boxers and I apologized to her since I don't wear any and YOU wouldn't either if you had to spend +50 days here haha. Anyways when I get into -20 weather and walk to the gym I'll have two layers on so it'll make up for my non-wearing them here. That's my boxer economics Sam :)



I headed out towards the Post Office and there was a girl with an umbrella. In Vietnam, the more pale you are, the sexier you are, which is generally the opposite of the West, mind you, you don't need to be tanned to be sexy ;) She told me I look really white, like I was from Europe. At first I took it in disrespect and then clued in that it's good here, except not to me as I rather be tan. We chatted and I said I was from the US, and I had my camera recording. Kept my story the same, just that I was from New Jersey as I smelled a scam. This girl was new at it. She followed the same pattern, using the opposite sex as herself as the person travelling. It's mostly guys that talk to me and their sister is going to North America. She was a girl and it was her brother going. She couldn't think of what he was going to do for work in the US haha. It was weird, it was her birthday and the party was at 1pm and she wanted me to come to it and talk to her brother. I'm going to the post office haha. She tried to get me to go and I humoured her, but eventually I told her I can't go to someone's house and just as usual the conversation died and she went hunting for the next guy. It's funny because as we're talking I was thinking "If this wasn't a scam, this is how porn starts, some random girl inviting me over to her place on her birthday to talk to someone I'm pretty sure didn't exist", me and my luck :P


I hit the post office and I have two yellow envelopes with the stuff in it. One is just maps, the other is the misc shit. I miss that in Canada you give an envelope to a postal clerk, they weigh it, see where it's going, the shipping I want to use and BAM! pay the price and off it goes. I go to the envelope mailing desk but as it's going to Canada for some reason I have to go to the desk with a lady shipping a crate worth of Marlboro cartons of smokes and some guy wanting to ship a TV to Germany haha. The clerk has to see everything that I have so I had to dump it all out which is great in a busy post office. He sees the zippos and I told him there's no gas in them as I want them to be shipped. He opened one and somehow got it to light, so I put them a side. Hanh, the zippo guy asks if I want free fuel but I don't as I'm not going to use them and they're going home, but I guess he gave me a live one. I have the two envelopes and sadly I had to fill out two sets of forms. After doing one set and taking fifteen minutes I ask if I can get both shipped together, I don't want to write my home address six fucking times haha. He said he could and I'm thinking they'll have the cardboard envelope like FedEx has which is bigger to fit things, but still thin. I add the other items to my first set of paperwork and have to declare value for insurance. I have about thirteen maps and each was $5 so that's $65. Their worth though, if they got lost I'd have to buy them on eBay for $40, so I declared $520CDN. That's my shipping economics Sam :) My misc shit was $50CDN as it included the overhead transfers I slaved over mapping out the Dak To Campaign battles so if it gets lost, my time is worth something and I need to be compensated. I signed off that these amounts were accurate, as to me they are.

I squeeze my way to the clerk, as thats how Vietnam rolls, not by FIFO - First in, first out (thanks Harvey's abbreviations!), no order, no line, just like the evacuation of Saigon, 1975. Now, have you ever seen someone do their job, and just fucking rock at it? I mean it could be me garnishing a double bacon cheese with everything under fifteen seconds (Now I'm thinking Harveys haha) and someone see's it and is all like "Damn! That guy can move!" There's a guy at the post office like that. He must be a lifer, probably early forties but he packs and tapes your packages, which sounds like a small role, but he covers your box in tape (sick your mind went there) so that if it's raining a little during unloading the aircraft, your box will be fine, or if the aircraft has a bird or lightning strike and crashes in the pacific then your box will be the last to get waterlogged and sink into the abyss. I've dubbed him Le Duan, as he looks like a Le Duan to me, and he just rocks at his job, flying, a crescendo of tape tearing, a brown blur being spun around and is quickly coated in blue packing tape. It's weird that I remember the box taping guy I know haha, but he was so good at his job that it stood out. He probably wakes up, puts on his uniform and believes that with every box that he tapes with care, another persons package arrives in great shape. I also think it's pride, sure it's a small role, but it stand out. I had a shitty job washing dishes, but I was proud of my work, I gave 120% and the sea of dishes disappeared and the bus bins were empty. Shit job but I gave it my all and it was noted. Alright, enough about boxes people. I hit the Vincom centre, as the only other thing I'd eat in the area is Pizza Hut but it's expensive so I'll save it for later and hit up Popeye's Chicken, which I still find funny it's in Vietnam.


My leg felt good so I walked back past Ben Thanh Market and through the park. I wanted to record people asking me about Canada because there loved one was going to work in a hospital there aka scammers and me messing with them. My main motive was to sound serious and tell them that Canada is dangerous for Vietnamese people and completely bullshit them with a straight face, as they were bullshitting me with a straight face as well. I just wasn't going to rob them haha. An older lady from Thailand was talking to me and wanted me to sit down and talk. I hit record on my camera and she asked about the amount of life on my battery, and I said it has plenty of time. Note that she didn't tell me to turn it off. Her "sister" came by and sat on the other side of me so I'm in the middle of them which isn't the best position being surrounded. I'm still recording and they ask me questions and I answer, we get to the point where I mentioned that a lot of people are asking me about people moving to Canada. You can view the reaction in the one girls face like "Fuck, he's not new at this!" and they kinda lean away from my camera. The one says they should go and I let them. The one leaves and the "sister" wanted to see my camera, so I show both sides to her and she wanted to see with her hands. I turned it off. I told her she can't see it with her hands as I'm a tourist and she could just run off with it. She gets pissy and I told her I deleted it. She still wants to see it and starts grabbing for it. Well I Jason Bourne it outta there (yea, he's a verb now). I zig-zag through the park instead of a straight path, best method to avoid accurate gunfire or older ladies who can't manoeuvrer as well as you. I didn't think she was chasing me, but I knew she was mad and they work in teams, maybe she was in contact with another team? I take my battery and memory card out and place them in my neck safe and dump my camera in my ARVN ruck. She was yelling and I was already forming a defence that she tried to steal my camera and that's why I'm beating feet outta dodge if I'm stopped. I cross a busy intersection and use the traffic as a buffer, I snaked down an alley I knew lined with tourists, so if someone gives me trouble over a camera, I have a small force of other concerned camera lovers at my defence. I take a main street, weave down a side street and turn into my alley to my hotel. By the way I'm still in paranoid mode, head on a swivel, waiting to get attacked, confronted or busted. I make it in my hotel, smile at the mamasan cleaning as usual and everything is cool. I make it in my room, lock my door and set my door stop, turn on the AC and fans as I'm dripping and hide my camera in my "bank" where I keep my cash. I'm still paranoid thinking that someone is a few minutes behind me and I hear the mamasan talking to someone at the door. Then it clicks in my head I should take the video off the card. What if I'm busted, my room is searched I have my camera, my battery and my video card in the same place. I take just the card and toss it in my laptop, now I'm uploading files on a possible time limit. I upload it and erase it off the card. The card is now safe, but what if they search my computer? It'll be sitting right there! So I upload it to my google pics account and take it off my computer so at least if I'm in shit, my computer is free and I have a copy online, which once something is online it's next to impossible to take off. It's 4am and there's nobody to talk to about it. Thankfully Sam left his MSN account on and I had to spill the details to him, just to get it out of me and despite probably thinking "um... what the fuck?" when he woke up I thank him for his computer being there at the moment, as after that I could let it out and take it easy. Making things more interesting, I had to meet a friend in the same fucking park an hour later! haha


I was going to meet up with Hoa, a girl that was with the group of university people asking me questions and working on English at 5:30pm. On my way I took a few fake photos to put something on my card, in case for some crazy reason the same people were in the park and I got in trouble, that I could easily show I have nothing on the card but pictures of the sky, a few trees and my thumb on the lens and they tried to steal my camera! Muhaha. Alas I worried for nothing but still self preservation is important! Remember that kids, making an alibi isn't a waste of time if you think you might need it! I did consider leaving my camera, and I did leave my wallet, but I figured that if someone wants to talk to me about Canada and call me their friend and have me go to their house but doesn't want their picture taken then they have something to hide. If they let me take they're picture I'm still not trusting the bastards, but I have something I can use against them. I show up early and I saw my buddy Ian again, the guy who was working with Fuckstick and Bitch! He was on a cellphone and walking away, but I was hoping to walk into view and have him come to me as a target, as it would be too weird if I went to him and sought him out. He went off and I gave up, at least I know he's back on the saddle trying to scam more people. We might meet again I hope. I wait for Hoa and something must have came up as she didn't show up.

It was dark and 6pm so I forged for food. It's to the point that there's hundreds of food options out there for me, but I can't think of anything new I'd like to enjoy or anything I'm dying for. I honestly swept my whole area looking at every menu and after about 45 minutes I find found the first place I ate at in Vietnam and right now the name escapes me but it's across from my alley. The food is good and so are the prices, plus I had a craving for their coconut ice cream. One funny thing did happen though. I was checking out a menu at one place, and the host/moto parker greets me, I say hi and flip though the menu. I find nothing interesting, thank him and move to the next place. I'm checking out the next place's menu and a girl comes up to me from the last place claiming I ordered a meal and walked away. I though to order a meal I would have to sit down and have someone write down what I ordered? If you have "Hi" and "Thank you" on your menu how long do they take to make? I'll have the Hi with no tomato, and I'll take the Thank you well done. I head back to my room to grab my cash and head to my first Vietnamese food place called "Eden" on De Tham which is a tiki/bamboo themed place. I've never eaten upstairs so I though I'd go up there as downstairs was picking up. Upstairs it was dead. Ever go to church, or a community centre and walk into a big but completely unused room? I did tonight haha. I ordered two chicken burritos for 55,000VND, which is good compared to me paying 70,000VND at an overpriced place and that was for each burrito. Now I believe things happen for a reason. I'm sitting upstairs in an empty forty seat dining room and since I'm up there my waiter it hanging out up there, but he's asking me all these questions and I think HE kinda liked me. I know I rock but I don't roll that way haha. Anyways I was mixed between bored and uncomfortable. Then something happened. I hear someone come up the stars and five sexy Aussie ladies come sit across from me hahahaha. From one extreme to the next, times like that I believe haha. My coconut ice cream comes, and last time I had it, it was just a bowl of vanilla/coconut ice cream, no big deal. They drop a massive shaved coconut in front of me, the inside had the original coconut scraped out, so it's just like a big hollow bowl, then filled with coconut ice cream and the rest is whip cream and chocolate sauce. All the Aussies starred at it wondering what the hell it was haha. I told them and said I'm just as surprised, last time I had it, it was just a little bowl haha so naturally a few had to order it as well. Their food came in, mine came out and I headed out.


I came in here, had my shower, started this, had a chocolate and before had a cream soda craving and hit the shop and go. I saw a friggen sweet, souped up, tricked and blacked out motorcycle, not a moto, but a real motorcycle. It looked like something one of the Four Horsemen would ride, I mean when their horses were in the stable and they go out drinking and pick up some cold as ice ladies or something, I don't know. I saw my previous hooker friend working that I forgot about haha. I saw her one day in the park, secretly thanked myself that I didn't do anything with her as the sun was up and I didn't have a drink in hand, so we just recognized each other and I kept motoring. I got my fix, the cashier tossed in a bagel or something in my bag and thought it was some trick like "Lets toss shit in his bag and hope he didn't hear the bag ruffle and charge him for it". I said no thanks and then clued in that it's 11:30pm and they said it was free. Thanks for giving me what turned out to be sweet potato bread and hopefully it'll taste alright, not filled with some cream thats currently turned haha. I forgot it was 11:30pm again when some guy asked if I wanted a moto ride, then asked if I wanted weed. Wait, I won't get on a bike with you, but I will pay you, to give me a bag of green shit for me to line my lungs with. Let's do it! Haha fuck no. Even if I did trust him which I haven't seen him selling Zippos at Ben Thanh Market or cleaning hotel rooms in my guest house, at home I would get a ticket. Here I would get a 7.62mm round in the face.

Oh! That reminds me! I saw my first AK-47 today, and not behind museum glass. I was walking from the Vincom Centre and found myself moving towards the Rex Hotel and I crossed City Hall. Oddly enough City Hall has two guardhouses in front, and one guy inside I think was cleaning an AK-47, or a Chinese Type 56, same-same.


Alright, quick plan for myself tomorrow, kit inventory, take it to Phuoc's shop, hit Ben Thanh to get another cheap yet sexy Adidas work out shirt, get the shipping quote, hit the bank for the last time in Vietnam, go see Skyline at 7pm at my breakfast place as it has a movie theatre upstairs, blog and email receipts to everybody!

Now that I'm high on Berry Mirinda and Toblerone I'll watch Jean Claude Van Damm try to act in Universal Soldier III, yes, they made a III! Night!